Jeffries Bankers Aren’t Junkies, as Truth Comes in a Jar

Amid ugly allegations arising from a custody mudfight between Christina Kelly and Jeffries banker Sage Kelly, bankers are taking drug tests in an attempt to prove that Christina’s vivid description of the bank’s drug culture is pure fantasy. Richard Handler, Jeffries CEO and chairman Brian Friedman submitted to drug tests to defend the honor of Jeffries and boasted that the tests gave them a clean bill of moral health.

Handler told Bloomberg, “Suggestions of drug use are pure fabrication. The two of us can attest that all tests came back drug-free.” Handler and Friedman thinks the tests will restore Jeffries’ besmirched reputation after Christina Kelly claimed her estranged husband’s alleged drug use was just part of the whole junkie culture at Jeffries. Sage Kelly has taken a leave of absence from the bank. Ben Lorello, head of investment banking and three other bankers mentioned in the custody case have also volunteered to take drug tests. “We are embarrassed we even have to discuss these matters, but this should put the rest the allegations against our firm, ” said Handler and Friedman. “Sometimes truth comes in a jar.”