How to Bring Comfort to the Bereaved

by Rabbi Dr. Baruch Kastner

In these times of Israel at war fighting on a number of fronts, it is unfortunately inevitable that there will be casualties. Our brave soldiers from all walks of life have put aside their religious and political differences and have shown an uncompromising spirit of unity within the complex and difficult war zones in which they find themselves. They willingly enter the battlefield for the sake of our continued existence as a State and knowingly risk their lives in doing so. Almost every morning we wake up to the phrase “hutar l’pirsum” – it was cleared for publication – an awful notice to the general public that the families of fallen soldiers have been notified of their loved ones’ fate. Funerals and the seven-day mourning “shiva” ensues not only for the close relatives but it also seems that the mourning extends to the fellow soldiers in his/her fighting unit and even to the rest of the nation.  This week I heard from a report on one of the local news channels that Miriam Peretz, who became a public speaker on living with loss after the deaths of two of her own sons during their service in the IDF a number of years ago, recently visited no less than 190 families in mourning. An amazing undertaking to say the least.  What can the rest of us do to become better in comforting the bereaved during the height of their sorrow?

There are many things that happen on a daily basis in life that we are not taught in school.  We either have to learn by osmosis or via the school of hard knocks.   For example, the educational systems in most countries will ensure preparation for proficiency in math, language, science, history, and the like, but will not have a formal class in parenting.  Other areas of life in which I believe we do not get enough basic training in school are: anger management, boundary issues, negotiating skills, and what to say or not to say when someone is grieving. 

To the credit of a number of authors out there, books have been written on the issue of proper conduct upon entering a house of mourning.   Indeed some good tips can be picked up through reading.  Most of these tips and guidelines are rather technical in nature, so what I’d like to address here is the more spiritual side.

Saying the wrong thing to someone who just lost a loved one can be very hurtful to say the least.  Many people have reported to me being downright angry and furious with those who may have had good intentions, but nevertheless pushed all the wrong buttons.  For example, “Godwanted it to work out that way”, “Be strong – that’s how your father would want you to be”, “Don’t worry – everything will be alright”, “Come on, get a hold of yourself”, “Don’t cry in front of the children”, “He’s in a better place now”, “It was his time to go”, “So did you hear about the incredibly large sale I made a few days ago?”

Sometimes even common sense won’t help us figure out how to behave when sitting in front of someone bereaving.  There are those who will initiate and steer a conversation away from the subject of the deceased in order to “take one’s mind away from” the grieving.  Well, that sort of a distraction really flies in the face of the whole point of sitting shiva.  But many of us cannot face the bare facts ourselves, so we fail in our responsibility to bring comfort to those in their ultimate moment of need.

So what can we do?  What can we say that will make a difference? 

First of all we need to recognize that there are two processes going on here simultaneously – the first is the person who is grieving and the pain he/she is feeling.  The second is the pain of the soul who just departed.  On some level, we need to be prepared to deal with and address both.

It has been known to be a prevailing thought to wait until the griever turns to you and addresses you first.  Then take the lead from him and respond accordingly.  This is generally good advice, but what if the mourner is not the talkative type?  Is it better to just sit in silence thereby giving the mourner the feeling of  “being there” for him, or is it better to come armed with something inspirational to say?

Sitting in silence can be awkward indeed.  Some will impulsively say anything just to break the silence.  That can turn out to be the opposite of what the mourner wants to hear.  So acknowledging the silence would be a better approach.  Consider saying: “I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t come prepared with any particular words of wisdom for you, so instead, if it is OK with you, I’ll just sit here next to you in silence while letting you know that I share your hurt and pain.”  Brutal honesty works.  I can guarantee you that nobody will respond by saying “in that case, what good are you to me?”

There are those who come armed with funny jokes.  While that could indeed be entertaining, we don’t want to turn the house of mourning into a house of frivolity.  If the jokes are ones that the deceased used to tell, well, that would shed a different light on them.  Humor can certainly be injected into a discussion as long as it can be tied in a positive way to the deceased. 

I believe that the main focus should be on the soul of the departed.  After all, death is about the deceased – not about those who are left behind.  Many times we get this backwards and it turns into an emotional ring that is very difficult to crack. Therefore, it is safer to talk about the departed than it is to speak to the emotional state of the grieving family.  Of course it is perfectly acceptable to offer help by asking “what can I do for you” types of questions like: “Can I do any shopping for you today?”  Would you like me to pick up your child from school?”  “I would like to prepare supper for your family – would you prefer a meat or dairy meal?”

But beyond those “to do” things, if we could find a way to comfortably direct the discussion towards the departed soul, that would be a good opening for the grieving family.  Relating a heartwarming personal story not well known about the deceased or recapping the acts of kindness he used to do would be a good place to start.  Or ask the mourner to tell you what particular personal quality about the deceased stands out in their minds.  What specific quality in the deceased can we strengthen in ourselves in order to make us into better people?

Those of us who have grieved in similar circumstances also may be in a position to contribute to the comfort of the mourners if it is done with humility.  They may also feel less intimidated by the atmosphere in the house.  Of course I would never recommend to say “I know what you’re going through”.  Never is the pain the same for everyone.  Rather say “time will do its part.  Look at me – I am capable of smiling again – hopefully one day, you too, will be able to do the same”.  Coming from someone who is a member of the same “club” (in this case the bereaved parents club) words of comfort and encouragement has a better chance of being heard.  Those of you who find themselves in this category or a similar one ought not be shy; take the initiative and lead by example.  You would be doing a tremendous act of kindness by administering to someone just the right amount of support in their hour of need.

One last thought. My wife and I visited several houses of mourning of fallen soldiers over the last couple of months. Almost all of the families we visited were surrounded by literally hundreds of individuals in overflowing living rooms and outside tents. It was so crowded that we couldn’t get close to the mourners. Even for those like us who perhaps didn’t make a more personal difference to the mourners by direct communication, nevertheless, I would like to believe that just our presence lent a small measure of comfort. 

Dr. Kastner, an ordained Rabbi, is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Jerusalem.  He is the bereaved father of two sons. He is also the author of several books, among them “Understanding the Afterlife in This Life” and “Back to the Afterlife”. He can be reached at bdk15@caa.columbia.edu