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David Portnoy Is Willing to Kill Someone for Bill Belichick

David Portnoy

Jewish blogger and the founder of barstoolsports.com, David Portnoy, asked New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick ahead of the Super Bowl on Sunday who he could kill for the coach.

The NFL held its annual Super Bowl media day yesterday, ahead of the big game, at US Airways Center on Tuesday. Players and coaches from both teams were required by the league to attend and face the press.

Portnoy just so happens to be a huge Patriots fan and has strongly defended the team all through what has become known as Deflate-gate. The Patriots were accused of deflating footballs during their AFC Championship game rout of the Indianapolis Colts. A football not inflated to the league mandated minimum is said to be easier to hold onto in wet weather conditions which was the case during the game ten days ago. This in turn is said to prevent fumbles while also making it easier for receivers to grab the ball out of the air.

The blogger asked Belichick, “moving forward, if you need anyone murdered this next week—Felger, Mazz, [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell, I’m your guy. Just tell me who to take out, I’m your guy.”

“Right now, ” answered Belichick, “I’m just thinking about Seattle.”

Portnoy, nicknamed “El Presidente” or “El Pres, ” is famous for always wearing a tuxedo and a bow tie. When asked about this he said, “I’ve worn this tuxedo to every big event, including the AVNs, which some people might know as the national porn awards. I also wore it to a gerbil show. Any time I need to step my game up for interviews, I wear it. To be honest, I’m here to win a football game. This is a business trip for me. We’re here to win a game. Do your job.”

On what he sees as a persecution of his favorite football team Portnoy added, “I want to see why the national media has another vendetta against the Patriots, why we have to go through another witch hunt, why everyone hates us. We’re here to get to the truth and get the NFL off our backs and let us play football, like America deserves.”

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