Published On: Thu, Aug 21st, 2014

Sam Smith Expressing Admiration for Kim Kardashian & the Jews, while Soiling Self

Sam Smith

Sam Smith, whose hit single “Stay With Me, ” has been nominated at the upcoming Video Music Awards is slated to perform at the star-studded event in Inglewood, California on August 24th. He said, “I am so insanely nervous, but also honored to be performing.”

It is understandable that Smith is nervous, because it is possible that his language or his bowels might get a bit out of control. While the Parents Television Council recently issued a warning to keep the evening clean after last year’s Miley Cyrus twerking fiasco or else raise the rating from PG14, the 22 year old Smith dropped an s-Bomb (not the initials of his name… that would be an SS bomb) when interviewed by the Sun newspaper, telling them that when he met Kim Kardashian, he nearly “s**t  his pants.” No, sorry, correction. He didn’t tell the Sun he nearly “sh**t his pants he said, “I s**t my pants.” Not going into details into how the mess was cleaned up and by whom,  he gave a reason for the spontaneous defecation; “I’ve been watching her whole series.”

The poop …err…pop star, might have difficulties at the VMAs, because it is likely he will meet Beyonce, someone he says is “incredibly inspiring.”; “I don’t know how I’m going to hold it together.” Perhaps he will have to appear wearing a colostomy bag.

I hope Smith follows the halacha and  removes his virtual tzitzit before running across anyone he admires due the risk of a  potty accident, because, apparently, he “grew up Jewish.”  What, you didn’t know he grew up Jewish? Well, he’s a fan of reality shows, but he is not necessarily a stickler for the literal. Or reality.

He wrote in the Progressive Review “I grew up Jewish. It was hard not to if you lived in a New Deal (sic) family where your father was involved in starting things like Americans for Democratic Action.” If he grew up in a New Deal family, that would mean that he is at least  70 years old, but we get the drift. In the article, he proves he can even tell Jewish jokes (as told to him by, who else, Jewish friends), “There are three branches of Judaism: Orthodox, Reform and Liberal Democratic.”  And he recounts a terrible nightmare one of his Jewish neighbors: the Jewish kid dreamed he was Jacob Javitz.

You see, we need people like Sam Smith in the world to remind us Jews that we’ve lost our humane instincts and our moral influence. In the article, he tells us of our great history, of the Bundists, of Samuel Gompers of the simple garment worker who had her child read Yiddish literature to stimulate her mind during the spirit-numbing 10 hour shifts. But then, a terrible thing happened. Jewish success.

And he writes, “As I put it once ( once?) “They were successful enough to create their own old boy and girl networks, powerful enough to enter the Chevy Chase Club and indifferent enough to ignore those left behind. The minority elites had joined the Yankee and Southern aristocrats and the rest of God’s frozen people to form the largest, most prosperous and most narcissistic intelligentsia in our history.”

Does the man defecate on everything he says he admires? Or just on Kim Kardashian and the Jews?

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