Published On: Fri, Nov 4th, 2016

How Do You Do New?

Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, MA is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, since 2002. She has worked with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them create relationships which fulfill them, enabling them to thrive. With individuals she explores: the role of attraction; overcoming barriers preventing them from creating relationships, navigating the transition from dating to relationship to marriage.


The media loves bombarding us with the idea that if there is something new out there…it must be a good thing.

A former client, lets call her Shana, dreaded going to parties and having to deal with meeting new people. The minute Shana stepped into the room of a party, her stomach literally began to hurt. Her hands became sweaty and she wanted to jump under the welcome mat.

She preferred sitting at home and reading a book on her own, even if this meant she was alone. Shana never really understood why being in unfamiliar places made her feel queasy.

She just knew that without at least one familiar person, she couldn’t tolerate a new and unfamiliar place.

For her, a new environment means giving up on the known. Not having her security blanket and things that she is familiar with really throws her off track.

For Shana, going on a first date with someone new she never met before, with someone she has no one in common with is torture. She would sooner not be in a relationship and go to the dentist, whom she has known for years for a painful procedure, than have to deal with all that is involved with someone new.

A new first date…
A new pair of shoes…
A new home…
A new job…

What do each of these things have in common, other than the word new?

Each requires an adjustment, involves a bit of pain, and all include change…

As much as we all love the idea of something new…in theory, new alone does not come without its fair share of challenges, grief and even pain.

What Shana discovered through therapy with me was that she still clung to unresolved trauma from dealing with new environments. Her lack of support in dealing with Aliyah as a young girl was now holding her back from dating and meeting new people.

Once Shana became aware of the reason she felt paralyzed in new situations, she was able to break free from her fear and develop new habits that enabled her to embrace them. She was able to feel excited about meeting new people and going to new places.

Just becoming aware of what we’re up against and need to do differently can make all of the difference between remaining stuck in our old space and moving forward.

If you’re feeling stuck and not finding relationships coming easily to you, hit reply and let me know what you’re struggling with. I always love a good challenge…

Micki works with clients from all around the world via Skype. Check out her website to learn more about how she helps her clients create the relationships they want and how she may be able to help you too:

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