GQ has released its annual list of people who “took up vast clouds of oxygen, gave us back nothing of use, and probably helped accelerate the death of our planet.”
We did note with some satisfaction that Bono and U2 came in first, followed closely by President Barack Obama. So, the top 2 spots are not of the tribe.
No. 3 spot — totally one of our own:
Donald Sterling, who “failed to keep his girlfriend from recording him saying a bunch of horrible shit about black people. He failed to keep the NBA from taking over his Los Angeles Clippers. He failed to keep his wife from selling the Clippers to that bald guy from Microsoft. He failed at every attempt to sue his way back into ownership. He failed to win even a shred of our sympathy in a hilariously misguided interview with Anderson Cooper.”
He also failed to heal his own case Alzheimer’s, which was, like, unforgivable. We think they starve the GQ editors for weeks, in a cave without heat, and then they herd them in chains into the office, where they get to show empathy and consideration for people who are down on their luck.
Zach Braff, in 5th place: “Who are these people who gave Zach Braff $3 million to make a Garden State do-over? Who has that kind of money to burn?”
But that doesn’t mean he was ineffective, does it? Heck, I’d like to be ineffective enough to raise $3 million.
In 10th place: Eric Cantor. A sheer case of kick them when their down. GQ has this to say about our brother Eric: “Campaign in my local primary? But I’m already in Congress! People love Congress! I think I’ve done enough to earn the loyalty of the great people of Virgini… OOPS!”
Can’t fault GQ on the Jew in 21st place, Shia LaBeouf, who’s been competing with Amanda Bynes for craziest Jew of 2014. They wrote: “I’m telling you, there’s something off about this LaBeouf fella—like he isn’t everything he claims to be….”
No, he’s a lot less than that.
On the other hand, they attacked number 23, Woody Allen, out of sheer bloodlust, like the boss editor was back-kicking them with the spurs when it looked like they were falling into a canine nap:
“Thankfully, you didn’t have to feel gross for liking a Woody Allen movie this year, because he made Magic in the Moonlight and no one saw it. Does that movie feature yet another man wooing a woman who is half his age? Of course it does. Just to throw us off, Woody needs to make a movie where Justin Bieber nails Cloris Leachman.”
OK, that was funny.