Published On: Fri, Sep 5th, 2014

10 Most Memorable Joan Rivers Jokes

Joan Rivers

The queen of comedy is dead. Long live the queen. After 60 years as the most outrageous woman in comedy, here are 10 Joan Rivers jokes. Who am I to say they are the best and most memorable? That’s just headline talk. Here we go (in no particular order of hilarity. I don’t claim to be David Letterman):

“I had so much plastic surgery, that when I die, they’ll donate my body to Tupperware.”

“I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we wouldn’t have a kid.”

“I wish I had a twin so I’d know what I looked like without plastic surgery.”

“Elizabeth Taylor is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.”

“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, ‘Will she live?’ and he said, ‘She will if you take your foot off her throat.”

“I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They did Hail Mary’s, I did Hail Murrays.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was the man goes on top, the woman goes on the bottom. For three years, my husband and I slept on bunk beds.”

“The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year olds. Who knew he could find 20 of them?”

“I was dating a football player. He was so dumb, he couldn’t count to 20 unless he was naked.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”


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